I haven’t done one of these for a while because to be honest it was a fad and like most fads I get bored with them and there are 3 yoga mats at my mum’s house that prove it. Why did I buy three I hear you wonder? Well I thought if I laid out 3 and only used 1 it would make me feel like I was one of only 3 friends who stuck to a new year’s yoga pact. I would be on my hands and knees cursing my imaginary friends for their lack of will power. Yoga is all about the body and mind being at one, and it teaches you how material possessions are not important, and at £9.99 a mat I thought I couldn’t go wrong.
August is a time when most comedians head up to Edinburgh to perform at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival, the largest arts festival in the world. I decided against going this year, instead opting to go on a holiday of a lifetime to Thailand. Well I say holiday of a lifetime, there is of course no way of knowing if I will have better holidays in the future. My cousin was taken on a holiday of a lifetime when he was just 6 years old and alas all of his subsequent holidays have been sub par. I would like to think my Dad applied this logic when taking us on our annual holiday to Chapel St Leonard’s. St Leonard of course being the patron saint of fruit machines. But what was the best thing I saw in Thailand? Was it the ancient temples of Bangkok? Or maybe the beautiful scenery of northern Thailand? Well it was neither of those things; my favourite thing I saw was a monk wearing a pair of Beats headphones. Buddhist monks sacrifice so much why shouldn’t they enjoy excellent sound quality?
But I wanted to write about one particular incident that occurred towards the end of our trip. My girlfriend and I had spent a lovely day on the beaches of Koh Samui, bathing in the natural beauty of the island, lapping up the tranquil atmosphere and in my case reading “Big Sam” the Autobiography. Young people often come away from these trips with a renewed sense of purpose and belonging but in my opinion not enough return with an in depth knowledge of Senegalese striker El Hadj Diouf. In the evening we hit the bars and restaurants of Lamai beach, drinking the local beer and tasting fresh fish before arriving back at our hillside bungalow at around 9pm. That might sound early but that is actually 3pm UK time which is the perfect time for an afternoon nap, and although we had been in the country 18 days by this point, jet lag had taken its toll, something which El Hadj Diouf can certainly relate to following Senegal’s African Cup of Nations defeat in 2005. Now these bungalows are not like bungalows you get in this country, there are no net curtains or orange chord support system, they are little more than wooden huts with a bed, shower cubicle.
At around 2am Thailand time my girlfriend was awoken by a rattling at our door, as I woke up it quickly became apparent that someone was trying to enter our property. I immediately sprung in to action and waited at the door ready to tackle the intruder, I also took the opportunity to turn the air-con off as the temperature had dropped dramatically during the night. As the door opened I could see a figure in the door way. The man before me screamed in terror. The young man was actually in the next bungalow down, had gotten disorientated and thought that our bungalow was where he was staying. I spent a good 20 minutes reassuring him but he was clearly in shock, after a while I remembered that I was in fact completely naked. I apologised profusely and half joked that my penis was usually bigger than it was at this moment but it had shrunk due to the air-con being so cold. He said that it was fine and apologised too but did point out there clearly wasn’t any air-con on in our bungalow. By this time is was around 9pm UK time, time for my evening sleep.
Next year I plan on taking my debut show to the Edinburgh Fringe Festival for the whole of August, looking for flat mates to share accommodation, I sleep naked but will defend you from burglars, can also bring yoga mats.