Day Job Problems:
I’ve had some trouble this week balancing my stand-up “career” with my day job and haven’t done particularly well at either. So instead of dealing with the issues in a practical way which would help me and my loved ones I have written a silly made up story. Here it is:
Tom knew he was in trouble; he hadn’t sold a single sofa for over two months. Now manager Ian had sat him down in the stock room. Tom felt intimidated by Ian’s aggressive body language until he realised that his boss had inadvertently sat on a broken riser-recliner chair which had frozen at a 45 degree angle. Ian fumbled for the remote but Tom explained that the Oxford model would require plugging into the mains.
That’s the thing with Tom, he had the best product knowledge in the whole of the Newark branch but his heart had never been in sales. He has a complete inability to negotiate, pressurise or haggle, either as a salesman or a customer. He once returned from a holiday in Majorca with 18 pairs of fake Oakley sunglasses. He tried to sell them on to friends and family but as ever was unable to shift a single unit. Tom has subsequently dressed as Bono at every fancy dress party he has been invited to since.
Ian glared sternly as he gave him a telling off. Tom hadn’t been told off like this since he drew a smiley face on his Nan’s dining room wallpaper, his Nan hated vandalism but hated the band Nirvana even more so the image was a double insult. Tom and his Nan didn’t really have a relationship after this until Kurt Cobain’s suicide in 1994.
Tom was angry, seething inside and wanted revenge not against his Nan but his boss, for a moment he thought about setting fire to Ian as he sat there all smug and full of bile. But then something dawned on him, Tom realised that he doesn’t even like sales; he has a dream beyond his day job, a vision of something else. But more than that he remembered that the whole of the Oxford range are 100% flame retardant so any attempt at arson would be futile.
Tom walked away from the sofa shop that day with his head held high and vowed never to return. And he didn’t; other than for a Christmas lunch he’d already put a deposit down on and once more to buy a set of chequered cushions. He didn’t really need the cushions but did it more to create the illusion of success. His purchase had turned heads and Tom felt a sense of renewed pride and closure until his replacement pointed out that the sunglasses he was wearing were counterfeit.
Follow your dreams!